Monday, November 12, 2007

Full Circle - Happy Days

I want to make this series the part of my Autobiography, but I really don't know wether these small incidents spread accross a period of 3 months to 1 year make any difference in my life in a long run. I still got atleast 40 years to look forward, only thing I can do when I look back 40 years from now is probably smile.
At this moment the time is 12.40 when I started drafting this in the blog. Its after a gap of probably 3 months am back blogging. Before blogging I've checked my vital stats for my blog, to see if some one is even visiting and reading the pages. Sadly the answer is no. Talking of full circle, I've started blogging inspired by my fellow classmates at IIM like the likes of Baba and Girl with Big Eyes; Nitai & Priya. The first blog I probably read was of Nitai 'Baba' on the SCon election politics. Quite entraled by his literary intellect. Than was hit by the wittyness of the Malu girl Priya. The controversy at the campus and the row which followed on the blog comments on Lionel Araha and Nanda Kumar, made me enter this blogging sphere.
Anyways today I've been using the blog to siphone out some bit of frustration and anxiety levels which I want to share and seek advice. I always feel pity at myself when I am very commandingly able to guide, help and solve issues of others who seek to approach me and whom I strongly feel bonded to, but when it comes to personal things I feel all but alone in this entire world. I feel that no one has time or patience to hear my word and if listened there is no way one gives a shoulder and pats and makes me undertand in a different perspective. I really felt that badly today while talking to Vimal a afriend of Ram Ogety. Vimal had his balance of isssues on career and thought of giving my two peneece. Just thought of myself and need of help personally and professionally at this crucial juncture. I feel terribly left out, dreams of mine on verge of shattering. Dreams might not big to break my heart, but small ones like settling down in the house of my own where I move in with my life partner and spend countless periods of time sharing happiness, and I want to be on top of the world by making her happy and see myself happy in my small world, where there is no scope for materialistic wants.

On 25th of Oct 2007, my new house was auspicously made open with Vastu Pooja being culminated after a week long Dusseraa celebration where I got my Chandi Homam completed and got the protection for the family and both the houses too. Slept on 25th at my new house, knew I would hardly sleep but somehow manged till early hours with my parents. That night I felt it was like my longest night. One partly due to the fact that I had patched up with Shrus after some bit friction which went overboard the previous weekend and got to talk freely from 24th after I let loose my issues which got out of hand with Shrus. I 've always been optimistic on this front and always believed once at home she would automatically scale up.
Eitherways on 26th Maheshmama comes to Hyd and I am wildy excited about it. I get to lay my hands on my wedding cards. For these cards I almost created a stir, put in lots of efforts and invested lots of valuble time and thought process to uniquely design 'one of a kind' card. This culminated into one after good 4 weeks of efforts and discussions. I was almost waiting for the Saturday to go visit the temple and get Pooja done. Again the night before a small argument follows on Pooja of the cards at Mumbai (really no clue why it went that way - I had nothing to say). Went to Lakshmi Ganapathi temple had the Pooja done. The first cards, set of 6 went to Shruti to be distributed at her end, (Ramya, Vamshi, Divya, Ajay, Nilofer, Manisha, Spoorthi(??) ) Then Srilekha booked tickets for the first show of Happy Days at Devi.
Lots of work going on both on the preparation front and work at my house, shuffling accross these I did somehow managed to reach the cinema almost 45 minutes late. This is my first movie with Srilekha. It took me close to 10 years to go along with her. The movie was one epic piece of entertainment. I enjoyed the movie to the core. Especially Tyson 'Arjun' Vs Sravs character kindaa idealised him. The others were Chandu with Madhu and Rajesh with Appu Shankar with Sangeetha. Loved the movie becaouse of multiple reasons,
Its something where I've been to for 4 long years & cribbed for life.
This has brought forward the nostalgia within me which I shared while travelling everyday to college right from ragging to bus travels and 120/220 bus routes to Vasavi halts etc etc.
Went to the movie with no expectations at all, enjoyed it and most importantly I didn't try to predict or forsee whats comming next, that made the movie more fun to watch and enjoy. Music and songs where very catchy and currently Happy day songs replaced all my ring tunes and am listening to them atleast 6 times a day like my previous track Saalm-e-Ishq. New tune for me has arrived.
After the movie I hardly was done with the dinner I got a call that Srilekha's brother Srikar ha an accident and is in the hospital. Had to rush with Srilekha and her mother to the hospital. The family depended on me for the support. I had to be with them well past mifdnight, the accident was a headon between two two-wheelers on the necklace road. One Srikar's friend who was driving the bike had very critical injuries. I could not bear the site of his state. Very taken back and hit by the state. Added to it there were atleast 3 deaths I've seen in the emergency ward, people crying with sorrow. I was quite shaken and unable to recover till next day morning. I could not even take my fiance's calls one I had to switch off my mobile for want of running down my battery; two because I was not in any state to talk. I wouldn't know that this would be the last time she would call to me talk. Next day, on Sunday 11.30 am she promptly calls on my mobile as I just entered my home, after catching some time on the workouts to relieve off the stress. I've begged for sometime to recuperate and refresh so that I can talk back calmly. That was the last words from her, which sounded worried.
Then things went for a turn, over an argument where I lost my cool when I was accused of being a liar and misguiding my family. Couldn't take it and this was retaliated very very aggressively costing me my dearest dream. All I built in the last 3 months which were becoming a reality is lost.
Today 11th of Nov 2007 after two weeks, a week off from office, we had a SatyaNarayana Vratam at my new house. My parents took care of all, with around 20 of the closest people attending I guess everyone made the merry out of the situation. After this went to meet Ram, played snooker, followed by a game of bowling (finished at 85) , candidly recollecting the Hiranandani expereince, and how everything is lost. I can't but feel like a looser today. Can't cry, cant let a tear down, for I can't break my parents heart as I cry for a girl for whom hasn't done anything to deelivate the situation. I've tried hard to find fault but still can't think in a negative, for I've started accepting and nearly adapting to her way of life and things which I presume are gaps. I don't know if she ever will think of me, but for me she will hold a special spot. Today with a heavy heart and void unfillable went to Happy days again for the second time with Aarti, Ram and Vimal. Had a good time and laughed and enjoyed. But all the time I still keep thinking of Shrus and the way she talks. Some correlation in terms of saying "Challa challa istam" , Ego clashes etc. Really feel that girls are hard to understand and I hope I could have understood Shrus far better and taken care of things which look like today. Really pains deep within, and really feel like forgetting every goal in my life I've set. But I still hope I get her back one day, if not that atleast I hope I get to plead pardon for hurting her and hopefuly she accept my appology, and put a stop to the bad blood which has tarnished both of us. I sincerely hope that the egos of everyone are gone, and instead of running away from the issue learn how to adopt and tame oneself to be a better person. I want to be the best lifeparnter and never would cut my efforts from not achieving the same...

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