Monday, November 26, 2007

Craziness is my current phase of life

Lots of uncertainty, after the sudden twist of events. Can't decide on lots of things, lots of turmoil, lots of pains, lack of overall vision and focus thats how I feel.
Its been over a month that things fell apart and probably over 31 days that I spoke to Shruti. Lots of people said a lot of things against the very person whom I adored and accepted inspite of the obvious shortcomings pointed out and till date couldn't really come out of this unfateful event. Time is a good healer people say, but its doing no good in my scenario for now.
Though I forcibly get to content myself saying that its like a "Casandra Phenomenon" or a "Deja Vu" or this ought to happen as a punishment of my Sins towards all the bad things which went between me and my family especially my mom, and my turning down of relation owing to the family pressure.
Learning and experiencing has been hard, lots of things have given up since then.
My Mobile broke loose, as if it had a heart, and was prime Witness to my relation. It felt and experienced the same way as I did, and unfortunately the same mobile which is less than 6 months old simply broke as I opened it.
No Diwali at home this year, unusual for I never missed Diwali in my entire life. Even my parents didn't burst a single crackers. If it was not for Vandana I wouldn't have joined the rest of the fraternity on Diwali. It was a painful feel, but I wanted to expereince it too.
My Gym and my grooming sessions all wound up abruptly owing to multiple reasons.
Had a cut on my forearm, which I left untreated lead to boil and Puss formation in the whole arm, and had to get it operated after 2 1/2 weeks of agony. Am still recovering from it. I've been bleeding for last 2 days, its pains double more due to Hyderbadii weather. The size of the depression is as big as to accommodate at least one medium sized playing ball marble. Put all the pain killers on the hold, though been advised Diclofenac Sodium thrice a day.
Had been off from office for last 6 days and entire first & second week of November. Feel very embarrassed to face the very people whom I shared my happiness.
My dream of moving into my own house fell apart, dream shattered, and torn apart.
All the 3500+ minutes of talk we had for endless night all ended abruptly without even a hush, and call informing of the next steps.
I know I am very sorry of being rude on occasions, but I couldn't be soft otherwise and ignore be tossed around and blamed and labelled as a Liar by a person who hardly understood how to assess people and values. The very girl I accepted against all odds braving against the worst of situation just showed me her back. I completely felt like a looser, for the respect and courtesy which I showed was never returned back. The respect of a relation, and treating her a person who is pure from mind, body and soul wasn't ever appreciated. May be I expecting a lot, but till this moment I feel I put efforts enough only to be ignored and treated as an untouchable. If she feels shez better without me, I thought so be it. Had she given me a chance to plead guilty and I would have closed it without a pain; never ever thats come.
Having seen all this I feel and probably say it to all that she stands to loose a lot by loosing me than I loosing her; for I swear I would have stood by wind and fire by day and the night by the side of the person whom I wanted to be with. She might not even realise it but I would only hope that at least a few years from now, if things were to go bad if she were to remember me I would be really be blessed.
Finding her I would have been the luckiest person, but loosing her I would say is her bad luck. If my gut feel and my sixth sense are correct if shez headed for rough weather, she would have been better off with some one supportive and who accepts her as-is. She would definitely need a hand to hold hers and take her along.
Yes, life is bed of roses, so sweet and aromatic and beautiful to look-at but underneath are always thorns which hurt, and life is always getting along with those thorns.

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