Mangalyam tantu naanena........

" Mangalyam tantu naanenaMama jeevan hetuna.KanTe badhnaami subhagetvamjeeva sharadahshhatam"
Translated - Oh! The auspicious bride, you live a hundred autumn. I am tieing this thread which is a symbol of my life.
As I tie the Mangalsutra almost an hour past the Muhurthum of 10.35pm on 21st of August 2008, these where the words that kept resounding me for a days till today, as I gather time to put the same on the blog.
My journey towards this day wasn't a smooth sailing at all. Lots of turmoil, confusion, emotions and heartbreaks. As I start my new life trying hard to forget the past, filled of joy, love and passion mixed with tensions, emotional & morale turmoil I lay somewhere in middle, between my past which still casts long shadows and the future which offers now vision on how I can shape it.
Today as I write my blog, I feel terribly lost, and somehow disheartened over the past, for the confusions, hardships I've left behind for a few close people whom I revered for so many years.
The person I called my closest friend since 1999, where we envisioned to be together for rest of life and broke over an year back in 2007 still haunts my memories. Probably this was the reason I was unable to reconcile the fact that I was getting married and even commit just a couple of days for my marriage.
Earlier after having had a dramatically stupid and silly split I went on to get engaged to Shruti, which later broke, and this added fuel to my self discover and greater understanding and mindset towards true feelings and love which I've been running away from for sometime then. Now with the enlightenment I had though I wanted to go back I made my path back treacherous and complicated, which today is now a dead end. I am overwhelmed by everything that has happened to me, don't know what role all these things have had in terms of experience in life, and where will they lead to me in future, and whether I will be a better person or not and how well I can give back to the humanity. I just wish I become man of the people at the earliest and serve and return my debt of my sins and radical thoughts and decision making.
Today I feel having let go of her I let go off all my strength in life, while somehow I feel content for her; as for her I was her only weakness and now she would have let go of all the weakness in her life. I sincerely hope she will emerge braver, more courageous and stronger than ever.
And for my married life I am looking forward for another innings to start, and I sincerely pray for the well-being of everyone associated with me.